|
...times this list has been updated since 1995:
| 5 |
|
 |
|
...days spent living in California:
| 6,862 |
|
|
...days spent living in Montana:
| 3,463 |
|
|
...days spent living in Washington (state):
| 994 |
|
|
...days I've climbed out of bed:
| 10,634 |
|
|
...days I've intentionally stayed in bed:
| 3 |
 |
|
|
...birthdays I'll never see again:
| 31 |
|
|
...inches tall:
| 76 |
|
|
...religions I was named after:
| 0 |
|
|
...siblings:
| 0 |
|
|
...living grandparents:
| 0 |
|
|
|
...documented cases of incest committed by distant relatives:
| 1 |
|
|
...times I've witnessed someone die:
| 0 |
|
|
...different houses and apartments I've lived in:
| 9 |
|
|
...different cars I've driven:
| 158 |
|
|
...different horses I've ridden:
| 6 |
|
|
|
...different boats I've steered:
| 2 |
|
|
...different planes I've piloted:
| 0 |
|
|
...traffic tickets:
| 0 |
|
|
...traffic accidents:
| 0 |
|
|
...years I've played a piano:
| 21 |
 |
|
|
...times I've served in the military:
| 0 |
|
|
...grades I flunked and repeated in elementary school:
| 1 |
|
|
...memorable dreams:
| 895 |
|
|
...memorable nightmares:
| 1,249 |
|
|
...flying turds that have whizzed past my head:
| 3 |
|
|
|
...speeches given in front of crowds of over 1,000 people:
| 2 |
|
|
...quarter-long speech classes I taught at the University of Washington in Seattle:
| 8 |
|
|
...students who gave a speech in my college course without any clothes on:
| 3 |
|
|
...pieces of physical junk mail I've received:
| 12,623 |
|
|
...spam mails I've received to my primary Filmtracks e-mail address since 1996:
| 349,510 |
|
|
|
...death threats received by e-mail:
| 9 |
|
|
...times I've won the lottery:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've won a sweepstakes prize:
| 2 |
|
|
...movies I've been in:
| 1 |
|
|
...times I've thrown up in a Burger King:
| 1 |
 |
|
|
...times I've been asked for the time:
| 121 |
|
|
...stupid things I've witnessed men do:
| 1,481 |
|
|
...stupid things I've witnessed women do:
| 76 |
|
|
...times I've been electrocuted by a wall socket:
| 2 |
|
|
...dead light bulbs changed:
| 119 |
|
|
|
...times I stood within twenty feet of a lightning strike:
| 1 |
|
|
...times I've had my ass grabbed by a gay guy in a straight bar:
| 1 |
|
|
...consecutive days I've ever gone without electricity:
| 14 |
|
|
...consecutive days riding a horse:
| 11 |
|
|
...times the front door of my house has been torn off by a screaming drunk in the middle of the night:
| 1 |
|
|
|
...times a vending machine has taken my money without giving me my treat:
| 3 |
|
|
...overall eBay feedback:
| 87 |
|
|
...times I've gone onto the web to find an old friend and discovered that he/she had died:
| 1 |
|
|
...7.1 magnitude earthquakes I managed to stay standing through:
| 1 |
|
|
...times I've been forced to explain why Aristotle and Plato would be thrilled by the concept of websites' cartoon
mascots:
| 2 |
 |
|
|
...hands I've shaken:
| 603 |
|
|
...hooks I've shaken:
| 1 |
|
|
...bullets fired by my neighbors at my childhood home:
| 7 |
|
|
...interrogations by police for something a friend did:
| 2 |
|
|
...memorable past lives:
| 1 |
|
|
|
...weeds I've pulled in the yard:
| 902 |
|
|
...times I've witnessed other people engaged in public fornication:
| 3 |
|
|
...living trees I've cut down:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've gone to the grocery store:
| 489 |
|
|
...small ketchup packages in my car's glove compartment:
| 4 |
|
|
|
...cans of Pepsi on average to be found in my fridge:
| 5 |
|
|
...favorite Kool-Aid flavors that were discontinued:
| 1 |
|
|
...times I've broken down and feasted on fast food since my January 2004 resolution to completely quit eating it:
| 2 |
|
|
...slices of pizza consumed:
| 989 |
|
|
...raw carrots consumed:
| 1,702 |
 |
|
|
...containers of bottled water consumed:
| 6,366 |
|
|
...alcoholic beverages consumed:
| 0 |
|
|
...cigarettes, pipes, joints, or rolls smoked:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've stubbed my toes:
| 513 |
|
|
...unwelcomed sneezes:
| 2,026 |
|
|
|
...times I've wondered why people can't physically sneeze and urinate at the same time:
| 6 |
|
|
...pairs of size 16 boots I've worn through:
| 7 |
|
|
...times I've dyed my hair blue:
| 1 |
|
|
...times I've wished I could see the color blue:
| 2,801 |
|
|
...haircuts received:
| 258 |
|
|
|
...times I've forgotten why I walked into a room:
| 90 |
|
|
...times I've accidentally left my keys in the freezer:
| 1 |
|
|
...surgical emergencies to various parts of my head:
| 4 |
|
|
...surgically repaired and bracketed eyeballs:
| 2 |
|
|
...times I've had braces on my teeth:
| 2 |
 |
|
|
...bolts in my jaw:
| 4 |
|
|
...times in one of those obnoxious MRI machines:
| 1 |
|
|
...fingers and toes I have in sum:
| 20 |
|
|
...times I've injected steroids into my butt:
| 0 |
|
|
...soundtrack CD's I own:
| 2,492 |
|
|
|
...Natalie Merchant CD's I own:
| 11 |
|
|
...George Carlin CD's I own:
| 10 |
|
|
...George Carlin concerts attended:
| 2 |
|
|
...seasons of "Sex and the City" I own on DVD:
| 6 |
|
|
...times I've seen "A Fish Called Wanda":
| 35 |
|
|
|
...Harry Potter books on my shelves:
| 6 |
|
|
...koosh balls I own:
| 4 |
|
|
...baseball cards I own:
| 41,117 |
|
|
...Lego bricks my wife and I own:
| 18,538 |
|
|
...cats currently sharing my residence:
| 2 |
 |
|
|
...fish I've owned that were named after ex-girlfriends:
| 4 |
|
|
...porn videos I own:
| 0 |
|
|
...inflatable dolls I've received for Christmas:
| 0 |
|
|
...plastic lizards I own and proudly display:
| 14 |
|
|
...airhorns I own with which to further disturb neighbors during thunderstorms:
| 2 |
|
|
|
...pairs of jeans I've worn out:
| 46 |
|
|
...houseplants I've managed to kill:
| 20 |
|
|
...full time jobs I've had:
| 6 |
|
|
...years I've been driving the same 1989 Ford Crown Victoria LTD station wagon:
| 13 |
|
|
...caller ID boxes in my house:
| 4 |
|
|
|
...cell phones I've owned:
| 0 |
|
|
...glow-in-the-dark stars on Filmtracks' first office ceiling:
| 412 |
|
|
...the glow-in-the-dark variety in Filmtracks' original condom drawer:
| 2 |
|
|
...American states I've travelled to:
| 41 |
|
|
...years since stepping foot outside the United States:
| 12 |
 |
|
|
...years since I've seen the ocean:
| 8 |
|
|
...trips to Disneyland:
| 7 |
|
|
...days I've cursed the humidity of Southern France in July:
| 6 |
|
|
...hours I've spent in the Salt Lake City airport during layovers:
| 41 |
|
|
...times I've witnessed the societal sickness of Pigeon Forge, Tennessee:
| 1 |
|
|
|
...baseball games attended at Candlestick Park:
| 27 |
|
|
...football games attended at Candlestick Park:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've stood on the edge of an 8,000-foot cliff:
| 1 |
|
|
...military submarines I've been aboard:
| 2 |
|
|
...military submarines I've knocked my head on:
| 2 |
|
|
|
...adventures riding roller coasters:
| 116 |
|
|
...rodeo balls attended:
| 5 |
|
|
...University of Montana Griz home football games attended:
| 52 |
|
|
...workplaces where the usual lunchroom television viewing included graphic hunting shows with exploding animal heads:
| 1 |
|
|
...workplaces where the usual lunchroom television viewing included graphic lesbian porn flicks with sucky plots:
| 1 |
 |
|
|
...times I've seen authentic Montana cowboys incorrectly identify a Klingon on TV as a Mexican:
| 1 |
|
|
...laughing fits caused by the stupidity of the "Psychic Connection Hotline" commercials:
| 53 |
|
|
...times I've wished death upon actors in loan consolidation commercials:
| 73 |
|
|
...times I've wanted to see Jerry Falwell in a Teletubbie suit:
| 25 |
|
|
...times I've wanted to see Jerry Falwell wearing nothing at all:
| 0 |
|
|
|
...tingling moments during which I've felt the love of Jesus:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've cursed Republicans for voting on selfish ambitions rather than societal ideals:
| 314 |
|
|
...dollars I received back in G.W. Bush's infamous 2001 tax rebate:
| 26 |
|
|
...times I voted for Bill Clinton and/or Al Gore for President of the United States:
| 3 |
|
|
...political campaigns I've been a part of:
| 1 |
|
|
|
...times I've wanted to run for political office:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've been ashamed by my California roots:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've hoped I will live long enough to see tobacco products banned completely in America:
| 55 |
|
|
...people I've seen standing on a street corner with signs that say, "The End of the World is Nigh! Prepare to Meet Thy
Doom!":
| 3 |
|
|
...times I've lamented the illegalization of old-fashioned obedience testing in American laboratories:
| 19 |
 |
|
|
...people I personally hate with all my heart:
| 2 |
|
|
...people I've met who I would consider marrying:
| 2 |
|
|
...times I've fallen in love for appearantly stupid reasons:
| 3 |
|
|
...times I've been asked for my phone number by a pretty woman:
| 2 |
|
|
...girlfriends I left:
| 3 |
|
|
|
...girlfriends I was left by:
| 2 |
|
|
...failed first dates:
| 24 |
|
|
...failed second dates:
| 5 |
|
|
...failed third dates:
| 2 |
|
|
...times a woman refused to go on a second date with me because I wouldn't convert to her religion:
| 2 |
|
|
|
...times a woman refused to go on a second date with me because I wouldn't convert to a vegan diet:
| 2 |
|
|
...times a woman refused to go on a second date with me because I wouldn't sleep with her on the first date:
| 1 |
|
|
...times a woman refused to go on a second date with me because I was a "tree-hugging, liberal-minded freak":
| 1 |
|
|
...women I dated with the middle name "Marie":
| 5 |
|
|
...marriages:
| 1 |
 |
|
|
...failed marriages:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've awakened next to some strange woman and said "oh shit, what was I thinking?":
| 0 |
|
|
...times I had to tolerate the sounds of my graduate school roommate pleasuring two women at once in the next room:
| 19 |
|
|
...times I've misunderstood the meaning of the word "dude":
| 14 |
|
|
...times I've jumped from an airplane:
| 0 |
|
|
|
...spiders I've killed in the shower:
| 52 |
|
|
...speeches I've delivered about the dangers of spontaneous human combustion:
| 18 |
|
|
...times I've actually seen another person spontaneously combust:
| 0 |
|
|
...times in the bell tower with an automatic weapon:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've been attacked by a ghost:
| 2 |
|
|
|
...perverted thoughts:
| 1,845 |
|
|
...perverted thoughts acted upon:
| 16 |
|
|
...times I've been told I'm "full of shit":
| 184 |
|
|
...times I was punched in the face during a high school class:
| 1 |
|
|
...times I've done something I regret:
| 75 |
 |
|
|
...times I've done something wickedly enjoyable:
| 1,046 |
|
|
...guns I've discharged:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've accidentally spilled raspberry Kool-Aid on a llama:
| 1 |
|
|
...times a llama has spit in my general direction:
| 1 |
|
|
...urges I've had to maim a nearby accordian player:
| 6 |
|
|
|
...times I've dumped a bucket of snow onto a person sitting in a public restroom stall:
| 2 |
|
|
...times I've logged on to the Internet:
| 6,082 |
|
|
...times I've accidentally walked out into public without any clothes on:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've wanted to throw a watermelon or shopping cart off a tall building:
| 80 |
|
|
...times I've refused to watch a building explode:
| 0 |
|
|
|
...chased lightening storms:
| 8 |
|
|
...foul words or phrases yelled at other drivers:
| 35 |
|
|
...foul words or phrases muttered while driving:
| 1,966 |
|
|
...consecutive hours driven in a car during an emergency situation:
| 19 |
|
|
...times I've poured a Pepsi too fast and it fizzed over:
| 46 |
 |
|
|
...late nights I obnoxiously prompted the loud squawking of a neighbor's tropical bird:
| 10 |
|
|
...times when I was the only person laughing during an awkward moment:
| 18 |
|
|
...times I convinced fellow first graders to pee themselves in class:
| 8 |
|
|
...times I've stuck a part of my body into a hole just to see what happens:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've stood looking at suspicious or intriguing holes:
| 512 |
|
|
|
...early mornings the alarm clock has caused me to bolt up and say "oh, shit!":
| 375 |
|
|
...times I've yelled "Dish!" while feeding the cats:
| 1,333 |
|
|
...showers during which I sung both badly and loudly:
| 187 |
|
|
...times I said the word "and":
| 52,809 |
|
|
...times I said the word "hello":
| 9,106 |
|
|
|
...times I said the word "homework":
| 3,499 |
|
|
...times I said the word "watermelon":
| 1,180 |
|
|
...times I said the word "buttocks":
| 594 |
|
|
...times I said the word "subterfuge":
| 281 |
|
|
...times I said the word "defenestrate":
| 55 |
 |
|
|
...times I've committed an act of defenestration:
| 5 |
|
|
...flying saucers I've spotted in the clear night sky:
| 0 |
|
|
...coins I've inserted to slot machines:
| 20 |
|
|
...dollars won in my slot machine adventures:
| 5 |
|
|
...urinal pucks I've thrown at fellow human beings:
| 3 |
|
|
|
...goofy grins I've gotten while thinking about all the stupid things I did as a kid:
| 367 |
|
|
...moments I've pondered why a father named Mr. Seed would name his boy Dick:
| 8 |
|
|
...times I've rubbernecked to look at a highway accident:
| 18 |
|
|
...times I've wanted to travel into space:
| 0 |
|
|
...video games I like:
| 0 |
|
|
|
...times I've opened other people's wrongly-addressed paper mail by accident:
| 3 |
|
|
..."postage paid by addressee" credit card application envelopes I've stuffed with condiment packages (and other nasties)
and sent:
| 396 |
|
|
...superstitions I have:
| 3 |
|
|
...cults I've infiltrated:
| 0 |
|
|
...times I've used a syringe to inject Pepsi into a doomed cactus plant just to see what happens:
| 1 |
 |
|
|
...anti-semetic jokes I've told:
| 0 |
|
|
...former bosses I despise:
| 1 |
|
|
...times I've thrown a candy bar into a swimming pool and yelled "turd! turd!":
| 0 |
|
|
...conversations I've had with the Dark Lord:
| 1 |
|
|
...times I've gone for a long walk in cold weather because I couldn't get a piece of programming to work:
| 10 |
|
|
|
...times I've bolted out of bed in the middle of the night and chased the cats around the house for no apparent reason:
| 14 |
|
|
...nightmares I've had about being killed someday by an electronic toilet seat:
| 2 |
|
|
...times I've harassed telephone solicitors with offensive commentary in strange voices:
| 117 |
|
|
...times I've messed with phishers by repeatedly pounding nonsense into the forms on the sites they hijack:
| 116 |
|
|
...times I've set off a really large, satisfying explosion:
| 0 |
|
|
|
...troubling conundrums I've solved by sitting on a street corner and watching all the funky people walking by:
| 3 |
|
|
...wondered why the sky is blue:
| 0 |
|
|
...really bad days when I wanted to destroy and/or seek revenge against a disobedient piece of office equipment:
| 6 |
|
|
...kilotons of enemy shipping destroyed in my last life:
| 72,803 |
|
