Newest Major Reviews:.This Month's Most Popular Reviews: Best-Selling Albums:
. 1. Ghostbusters: Afterlife
2. Eternals
3. The Last Duel
4. Dune
5. Halloween Kills
. . 1. Alice in Wonderland
2. Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker
3. LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring
4. Solo: A Star Wars Story
5. Justice League
6. Gladiator
7. Harry Potter: Sorcerer's Stone
8. Spider-Man
9. How to Train Your Dragon
10. Alice Through the Looking Glass
. . 1. John Williams in Vienna
2. Space Battleship Yamato
3. The Legend of Zorro
4. Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back
5. The Forbidden Kingdom
  ScoreBoard Forum

  Ah, but that's only part of the tale, Khüni... Here's the rest!  
 
View Responses
Return to Index
Read Previous Message
Read Next Message
Expand Entire Thread
 
 
• Posted by Olivier
• Date: Sunday, November 11, 2001, at 5:57 a.m.
• IP Address: ast-lambert-101-1-3-73.abo.wanadoo.fr


Once upon a time...

ROBIN AND MARIAN were living happily in THE LAST CASTLE in THE LAST VALLEY.
And they were really really really happy because they had received YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES and kept playing it over and over.

But the evil naughty nasty Sheriff (who still craved ABSOLUTE POWER) wanted it too and asked GODZILLA to help him get it. He wasn't free so he asked a Dragon friend of his to do the job. The dynamic duo barely ESCAPE[D] FROM THE DRAGON but stopped when they saw he wasn't pulling the castle apart: he was listening to the music! And they recognized him (they had met him at MARY POPPINS' birthday party): it was PETE'S DRAGON, a gentle fellow.

(In fact, when Godzie phoned his friend, he dialed a wrong number and called MONSTERS, INC, where Elliot had a part-time job answering the phone.)
Rob and his gal had quite some difficulty explaining THE MUSKETEER "the overblown green lizard" was a friend, as he was tired after SHREK'S KARAOKE PARTY.

The Sheriff was real mad, so he fired Godzie, who later got arrested by the MIB and was sent back to his -- wait, what's with the nice flashing pencil...

Uh-- I forgot what I was saying-- er-- typing...

Ah! Yes! A TOTAL RECALL flashed through my mind!

The Sheriff was real mad, so he fired Godzie, who went on a big cruise on the LOVE BOAT (aka The Pacific Princess)-- he wanted to see THE MISTS OF AVALON, the RED PLANET and the GHOSTS OF MARS, the LAND OF THE PHARAOHS and the DEEP BLUE SEA.

The Sheriff was real mad, and he wanted the witch who had threatened SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS to help him, but then he remembered she was dead. But he also remembered some old tale about a certain ritual on a spot near the old PET SEMETARY-- and it worked! The old witch returned from the dead to help him. But she was even crazier than before! The Sheriff rummaged through her books (she had taken him home) and found a spell that turned her into a CHOCOLATE bunny and he devoured her.

DIRTY HARRY (yeah, that's his nickname) also found an age-old incantation to summon legions from beyond...
[shuddddder]
And-- presto! amid lightnings and sparks, through a SPHERE quite blue, from another universe, came weird-lookings keletons!
They looked like corpses, yet were not; an ARMY OF THE DEAD they could not be, for their bones quite shiny were. They were TERMINATOR[S]! And from yet other universes, came forth ALIENS and PREDATOR[S]!
JUDGEMENT DAY was near! ARMAGEDDON was close! The END OF DAYS!
(insert appropriate frightful four-letter SCREAM here)
(wotta CLIFFHANGER, he?)

The news had quite a DEEP IMPACT on everyone when CITIZEN KANE published it in all his newspapers:
"SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES! MARS ATTACKS! THE WAR OF THE WORLDS! STAR WARS! APOCALYPSE NOW!"

LIONHEART, THE LION KING, ordered Robbie and his pals of the forest (he was THE PRINCE OF THIEVES, remember) to raise an army. The whole band was here, with their instruments and stuff; so were the fairy tale characters, and TARZAN and HERCULES and MULAN and WINNIE THE POOH AND TIGGER TOO, along with THIR13EN GHOSTS, TWELVE MONKEYS drumming, OCEAN'S ELEVEN pipers piping, TEN lords aleaping and issuing COMMANDMENTS, NINE ladies who had been dancing for MONTHS, 8 1/2 WOMEN amilking, THE MAGNIFICENT SE7EN swams aswimming, SIX MILLION-DOLLAR geese alaying, five gold rings (curtsey of THE LORD OF THE RINGS), FOUR RIDERS calling each other bird names, THREE French hen KINGS, two LONESOME turtle DOVE[S] and something that looked LIKE A BIRD ON A WIRE (they couldn't find a partridge in a pear tree)-- not to mention all the CATS AND DOGS in the country.
It was quite a sight to behold! But they were missing someone: they were all so superstitious no one would be THE THIRTEENTH WARRIOR. They eventually tricked one of the ANTZ who couldn't count right into being THE ONE.

Time was running out, but even though it was 3000 MILES TO GRACELAND (the name of the witch's abode in SLEPPY HOLLOW-- go figure-- where the Sheriff had his new headquarters-- second star to the right, right after THE RIVER), they were there in FIFTEEN MINUTES-- and that was no JOY RIDE: actually, they had to TAKE A HARD RIDE to make it that fast.
But once they got there-- lo and behold! the evil army was marching on!-- and the least courageous were GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS-- including the ant that was to be the 13th one. Fortunately, ALONG CAME A SPIDER, who accepted to be the SPIDER-MAN (the 13th's nickname, but that's another story)-- STUART LITTLE too had volunteered, but was deeemed too nice-looking for the job: an EIGHT-LEGGED FREAK was better; but Stuart fought in THE SMALL SOLDIERS division of the STARSHIP TROOPERS (CINDERELLA's mice were in another platoon, the SPACE COWBOYS).

The HOLLOW MAN stealthily sneaked into the castle and stole THE DARK CRYSTAL that powered the enchanted spherical gate through which THE WILD BUNCH of weirdos, THE NIGHTBREED, THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS kept appearing. It seemed the crystal had already been broken and mended, because there was a shard in it that was held with A PATCH OF BLUE sticky thing. Anyway, shutting the thing off sent most of them darn baddies BACK TO THE FUTURE, while some just got LOST IN SPACE, between the two universes.

Then came THE BATTLE FOR PEACE! THE DAY [THEY] F[OU]GHT BACK! THE HOUR OF THE GUN and the sword!
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY fought fiercely! Each had his method: the GLADIATOR and CONAN THE BARBARIAN sliced and hacked their way through the crowd, THE PAGEMASTER used his magic wand, the princess made enemies sing along with her! All unleashed their crudest BASIC INSTINCT: violence!

But Harry had another trick up his sleeve! Once the first army of GREMLINS (the generic name for the baddies) had been defeated, there came a NEW BATCH.

IT WAS JUST BEFORE DAWN. THEY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.
Harry launched the most terrible atack of all: the ATTACK OF THE CLONES!

It was all quite confused, so let's just say they managed to sort through them somehow, scared THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS out of them and defeat them.

But when they reached the castle, Harry was gone. Seeing he could never RULE THE PLANET, in a final hateful act, he had stolen AIR FORCE ONE and was heading for Hogwarts, screaming and yelling madly--
"TO THE LAST I GRAPPLE WITH THEE; FROM HELL'S HEART I STAB AT THEE; FOR HATE'S SAKE I SPIT MY LAST BREATH AT THEE! TO INFINITY AND BEYOND!"
The US MARSHALS was closing in but it was too late: THE FUGITIVE crashed the plane into the highest turret and perished in THE TOWERING INFERNO!

All the sorcerers had gone to the war, but fortunately HARRY POTTER and his pals had stayed in the castle to keep it and they whipped up just THE PERFECT STORM to put out the fire-- well, they did have a problem putting out the storm, and it turned into THE STORM OF THE CENTURY, but it all ended well.
No trace was to be found of Harry's (the dirty one) corpse...

All the good guys (and gals) met in THE GREAT HALL of the MOULIN ROUGE and had a huge VICTORY CELEBRATION to-- er-- celebrate the GLORY of their victory!
(Oh, and Robin was made FIRST KNIGHT)

And so merrily endeth THE STRAIGHT STORY of this frightful NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS!

livier,
official scribe
(all this, naturally, was FOR YOUR EYES ONLY)

er-- who's that BREATHING?


Of Mice and Ducks



 Messages in this Thread:   ( Expand )






Scoreboard created 7/24/98, Version 3.0 created 6/14/06, updated 8/1/06 (Filmtracks Publications). The "Scoreboard" Forum is Copyright © 1998-2009, Christian Clemmensen All rights reserved. The reviews and notes contained on the filmtracks.com site may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the prior written authority of Filmtracks Publications. Software is a completely rewritten and highly modified 6.x version of WebBBS. The current Filmtracks Scoreboard motto: in Real Audio. Filmtracks takes no responsibility for any mental trauma caused by this forum.