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Lesbian Vampire Killers: (Debbie Wiseman) Why do
movie critics even bother with things like
Lesbian Vampire
Killers? The whole point of the 2009 independent British romp was to
parody classic Hammer Horror films and produce a exposition of flesh so
wretched that it was funny. Wretched it was, slammed by critics as among
the worst features in the totality of cinema during the year. Anyone
looking for logic in the plot will face immediate and perpetual problems
during the quickly-paced 88-minute film. Two young British men, tired of
the trials of their urban life, decide to take a hike in the
countryside. They stumble straight into a curse that has existed for
centuries, one that plagues a small town by turning all of its
18-year-old women into lesbian vampires. By supplying the blood-sucking
clan with fresh meat, the locals of the village are spared death, and
when one of the two young men, Jimmy, turns out to be the last
descendant of a baron destined to slay the vampire queen, Carmilla, the
plot (if you could call it that) is set in motion. The bumbling friend,
Fletch, and a local vicar team up with an escaped woman (Lotte, lured to
a potential eternity serving Carmilla) to use a sword (with a cock as a
handle... a running gag) to strike down the evil bitch before she can
extend her rule to places where lesbians nor vampires are welcome. Low
brow humor with plenty of obscenities and comical references to vampire
lore are central to the appeal of the script. The amount of flesh and
sex, outside of a multitude of naked thighs early and an innumerous
quantity of naked boobs later on, is surprisingly slim in
Lesbian
Vampire Killers, though from the urban scenes to the ceremonial
resurrection late, director Phil Claydon playfully utilizes the sounds
of female sexual gratification as background noise. He also seems to
have been inspired by some of the camera movements and sound effects
from
Moulin Rouge, with sudden shifts and swooshing sounds to
accompany them in an MTV fashion suitable to the writers that both came
from that mould. The film performed so badly after being crucified by
critics that it was actually offered as a free download from iTunes on
New Year's Eve, 2009. Both a religious group and a lesbian organization
protested the film, and the production's fruitless American debut (just
two days prior to the free offering) was limited in title to "Vampire
Killers." A waste of space, these pious and politically correct
imbeciles.
Anyone who has actually witnessed
Lesbian Vampire
Killers will certainly recall its obvious emphasis on music. It's
doubtful there has been a score in context that has stood out like such
a sore thumb to this extent anytime in recent years. How the production
was able to afford the services of Debbie Wiseman and the impressive
collaboration of her ensemble and singers is a head-scratcher. Beyond
her massively-proportioned orchestral score, the film also utilized a
collection of 1950's-styled rock songs, some ambient colloquial source
material, a few classical references, and "Amazing Grace." The rock
songs accompany the early humor of
Lesbian Vampire Killers,
spanning the comic-like main titles and the introduction to the ladies
of the tale once the men reach the countryside. The film also closes
with this campy tone. Otherwise,
Lesbian Vampire Killers relied
upon Wiseman, who perhaps choose to accept this assignment out of humor
and some lingering affinity for trashy horror of the worst B-rate
variety, to create the appropriate parody atmosphere for the vampire
topic. The best parody scores are, as the saying goes, the ones that
take themselves absolutely seriously, and Wiseman approached the project
as though it were nothing less than a mainstream vampire epic with a
$300 million budget. There's nothing in the style of the music to
address the lesbian element directly; the songs take care of that.
Instead, she whips up a Gothic storm of immense fortitude, explosive in
its unrelenting power and elegant in its romantic appeal. Outside of one
cue that specifically pulls quotations from recognizable classical or
pop culture tunes, as well as a few light rhythmic pieces, this score is
clearly focused on morbid melodrama of unrestricted power and unashamed
application of stereotypes. Some reviewers of film music have struck
their ratings of
Lesbian Vampire Killers, despite recognition of
its prowess, because of its referencing of both genre stereotypes and
ideas from specific vampire and horror scores in the recent past. For
such writers, the music clearly falls into the guilty pleasure category,
serving the vampire genre like Basil Poledouris'
Cherry 2000 did
for the futuristic Western. Dismissing Wiseman's achievement for
Lesbian Vampire Killers is completely unfair, however, for
several reasons. First, it's a parody score, so it's supposed to expose
its inspirations. Secondly, there's only so much you can do in the
vampire genre to make it creatively unique without betraying the parody
purpose. Thirdly, Wiseman vastly overachieved for the assignment; this
film certainly did not deserve this score.
If you are, like those reviewers who downplayed the
quality of the music for
Lesbian Vampire Killers simply because
of its necessary configuration (or the hideousness of the film),
ultimately bothered by hearing Wiseman cross territory already covered
by Danny Elfman's
Sleepy Hollow, Wojciech Kilar's
Bram
Stoker's Dracula, Alan Silvestri's
Van Helsing, and several
other notable scores to have recently graced the vampire and/or horror
genre, then you're missing the point. A sense of humor is more valuable
when evaluating
Lesbian Vampire Killers than a comprehensive
knowledge of the film music that inspires it, because what matters is
the effectiveness of the music in supplying the expected parodied sound
with complete sincerity. So, with that issue out of the way, a review of
Wiseman's music can commence without any grumbling about a lack of
inspiration. The scope of
Lesbian Vampire Killers is what will
strike you immediately. Wiseman has written the majority of the score to
utilize as much majestic harmony as possible, only skirting dissonance
in individual stingers or hazy atmosphere from violins. As such, you get
one mammoth declaration of Gothic power after another, often connected
by forceful, ambitious rhythms from angry bass strings, pulsating low
brass, and rip-snorting percussion. If you were impressed by Wiseman's
robust symphonic whirlwind
Arsène Lupin five years prior,
then
Lesbian Vampire Killers will condense the same flurry of
impressively orchestrated activity into a more consistent Gothic romp.
The composer's handling of the spectrum of instrumental tones is
potentially overshadowed by the harmonic beauty of the work, but if you
get past the massive size of the whole, you often can hear a fantastic
collection of free-floating treble accents. These violin, piano,
xylophone, flute, and chime contributions aren't mixed at the forefront
of the recording, so you don't get the feeling that you're hearing an
awkwardly dainty Alexandre Desplat technique in a Gothic environment.
Rather, in her emphasis on providing elements native to the treble clef
with something to do at all times, Wiseman avoids allowing the otherwise
incredible bass power of the recording to dominate. The
Cherry
2000-like trumpet at the end of "You're a Virgin?," for instance, is
sublime. It should also mentioned that she seemingly accomplishes all of
the momentous force in
Lesbian Vampire Killers without any
electronic enhancements of the bass region. A pipe organ effect
(specifically for the vicar) instead supplies the right dose of
religious gravity.
While the orchestral side of
Lesbian Vampire
Killers is extremely impressive in the handling of its individual
pieces, the choral aspect is equally intelligent. The Crouch End
Festival Chorus joins The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra in the task of
breathing new life into the vampire genre, and Wiseman goes far beyond
just the stereotypical harmonic accompaniment or counterpoint that such
singing groups often contribute for the mere purpose of adding depth and
legitimacy. The chorus is sometimes split into several sections,
performing complimentary lines or exhaling in chants that announce the
arrival of the dreaded lesbian vampires. On top of these sonic colors is
the pristine tone of popular soprano Hayley Westenra, whose voice was
introduced to film music collectors at the conclusion of James Horner's
The New World. Anyone dissatisfied with Wiseman's collaboration
with Westerna for the underachieving disaster score written by the
composer for
Flood a few years before
Lesbian Vampire
Killers will delight in her role this time around. From the opening
logos of the film, Westerna provides the score with its cold, distantly
erotic appeal, beautiful but chilling in each of her performances of the
score's title theme. Wiseman sometimes overlays the full choir with
Westerna's voice, even as counterpoint to each other, while the
orchestra pounds away at the title theme in one of its grandiose
statements. When all three of these recorded elements are merged,
Lesbian Vampire Killers is nothing less than spectacular.
Fortunately, these performers have some pretty monumental thematic
material to chew on, and if you thought the instrumental handling in
this score was creative, wait until you hear Wiseman take her
stereotypical genre themes and manipulate them with skill throughout its
entirety. There are two primary themes that dominate
Lesbian Vampire
Killers, though while the love theme for Jimmy and Lotte is concise
enough in its development, the primary theme is extremely deceptive in
how Wiseman employs its various parts. What may seem like a highly
repetitive score in terms of its loyalty to this theme is actually one
that is frightfully adept at taking the phrases within the title theme
and juggling them in refreshing ways from start to finish. The most
recognizable portion of this theme is its first four notes, the anchors
from which Wiseman tethers the variants of the theme; this phrase, an
obvious genre parody, is what reminds listeners of
Sleepy Hollow,
though the fourth note in Wiseman's progression is a half note higher
than Elfman's.
The title theme of
Lesbian Vampire Killers is a
deceptive beast, because while all of its statements stem from the same
opening four notes and contain similar architecture, Wiseman can send it
off into two separate directions at will. The true identity of the
theme's progression is best heard in Westerna's performances, the
original four notes exposed as a series of extremely elegant three-note
phrases. The repeated statements of the theme in "At the Olde Mircalla
Cottage" serve as a good starting point for nailing down the extremely
long theme in its full form. Wiseman, however, sometimes allows the
theme to become entangled in the overbearing brass counterpoint (if you
though John Barry's horn counterpoint in
Out of Africa was
awesome, wait until you get a load of this score), sending the theme off
in the direction of the counterpoint rather than following the
underlying strings carrying the actual tune. The prelude to the film,
titled "Centuries Ago..." on album, offers two of these somewhat muddied
(but still glorious) performances. The latter one poignantly follows the
funniest line of the film, in which the narrator concludes the original
battle with Carmilla, the Vampire Queen, by declaring, "And with that,
he fucking lopped her head off." Rolling cymbals, deliberate timpani
rhythms accompanied by deep piano thumps, and the kind of unified horn
nobility that will knock your socks off combine to yield laughs in the
film but chills on album. This version of the theme returns at 0:40 into
"Vampires? Lesbian Vampires!," though without as much oomph. It
eventually merges with the pronounced Westerna variation on the theme in
the score's single greatest highlight; at 2:15 into "The Dawn of the Red
Moon," as Carmilla is about to be resurrected in front of her writhing,
orgasmic servants, Wiseman finally instructs the huge horns normally in
counterpoint to compliment the actual melody rather than supplant it,
yielding phenomenal resonance. Anyone should hope to be raised from the
dead to such a bold announcement of symphonic and vocal beauty (well,
maybe not Jesus Christ, but this kind of music sure would have made that
one much more interesting). The original ensemble version of the title
theme returns at 1:25 in "The Crypt of Carmilla" and in a somewhat
whimsical light string performance to accompany the Queen's first kiss
with a lover after being given new life (at the very start of "Whores of
Fucking Hades, Prepare For Fucking Death!"). In the final cues, an
intriguing adaptation of major key phrases in the theme gives the heroes
hope; at 1:00 into "The Crypt of Carmilla" and three times in "Lesbian
Vampire Killers," the final confrontation is scored with refreshing
optimism from expansive horn and choir.
Despite the allure of the undeniably humongous
performances of the title theme with domineering counterpoint, the
solemn beauty of Westerna's many restatements of either the first four
notes or the entirety of the melody are a major attraction. After her
use as an introduction to the two full ensemble performances in
"Centuries Ago..." (a role reprised early in "Vampires? Lesbian
Vampires!"), the eerie cue "At the Olde Mircalla Cottage" is the first
clue that something is really wrong with the seemingly incredible stroke
of luck for the leading men. Similar treatment in "I Know Something
Really Wrong is Happening Here, But is There Any Chance We Can Just
Ignore It?" leads to a harmonically glorious, propulsive, multi-layered
brass and timpani accompaniment of her voice. Higher, fantasy-oriented
choral performances of the theme in "Full-On Lesbian Vampire Attack!"
yield to a reprise of the original loveliness of Westerna's solo
performances in the latter half of "The Dawn of the Red Moon." Despite
the fact that many listeners claim
Lesbian Vampire Killers to be
too repetitive in its application of this theme, it is actually heard
(or alluded to) in only a third of the cues in the score, so its lengthy
beautiful statements, when they do arrive, seem like an appropriate
payoff after the often rambunctious music in between. The love theme for
Jimmy and Lotte is more tiring in its single-minded role, though given
how sappy all of the interactions between the two really are, it's no
wonder Wiseman was trying to overplay this card. This theme's early
performances are often rudely interrupted by extended stingers to
accompany the persistent vampires showing up, literally, at the front
door, the melody cut short in "You're a Virgin?," "Full-On Lesbian
Vampire Attack!," "Jimmy, I Love You," and "All Grown Up." When it is
afforded the time to develop, it extends from the plucked strings of its
comedic heart into the sappiness of yearning woodwind solos that sound
faintly like Jerry Goldsmith's sort of fluff for similar situations in
comedies. The feathery theme receives full treatment in the conclusive
"Lesbian Vampire Killers It Is... Let's Ride!," an overly bright ending
to an otherwise ridiculously morbid ambience for everything preceding.
The only other firmly structured theme belongs to the vicar, introduced
with menacing foreboding in the first minute of "Have You Been Hanging
Out With Vicars?" (for the scene in the pub) and often taking the form
of bursting chants and pipe organ thereafter (as late in "You're a
Virgin?" and occupying the majority of the first half of "The Dawn of
the Red Moon"). As the vicar confronts the vampires at Carmilla's crypt,
the stylishly chanted female vocals overtake the organ to reflect his
inability to defeat their greater numbers.
There exist a few other meandering motifs that extend
throughout
Lesbian Vampire Killers, though none of them really
congeal for a single purpose. A hopeful, lofty brass motif early in
"Adv_nture" is reprised after Carmilla's first kiss in "Whores of
Fucking Hades, Prepare For Fucking Death!" and at 4:35 into "Lesbian
Vampire Killers." A pair of comedy waltzes grace the bumbling stupidity
of the men, first in the latter half of "Adv_nture" (as they walk
through the woods), with trepidation at the start of "I Know Something
Really Wrong is Happening Here, But is There Any Chance We Can Just
Ignore It?," and under dissonant string waves in "Give Me One Last
Kiss." A funny, descending danger theme is introduced with zeal at 2:15
into "Vampires? Lesbian Vampires!" and carries over to the start of "Run
You Bellends!" (albeit much slower). Singular rhythmic motifs, such as
the determined cello idea early in "The Crypt of Carmilla" and the
Kilar-like alternative early in "Carmilla, The Vampire Queen" are
entertaining in their drive. Together, all of these less frequent motifs
connect the large title theme outbursts and form a whole that is as
consistent in harmonic appeal as any ambitious horror or fantasy score
in recent times. Some of the individual passages will remind of
Arsène Lupin, but the totality of
Lesbian Vampire
Killers is far more cohesive. That is, if you remove the adaptation
of Jacques Offenbach's "Can-Can" from the wacky and enthusiastic "My aXe
Girlfriend," the only outwardly silly comedy cue. The album presentation
contains almost all of the score (with outrageous track titles to match
the tone of the film), missing a short piano rendition of the love theme
(as Jimmy and Lotte are tied up) and a brief (though impressive) chasing
cue as Fletch and the vicar flee the vampires after their unsuccessful
first attack. Interestingly, the performances in the film don't always
match those on album, with a different key sometimes evident. The tracks
on album are also slightly out of order; "At the Olde Mircalla Cottage"
should be two or three places later. The only real detractions from the
album, other than the fact that it only includes the hip end title song
(and
not the two or three songs heard over the opening titles and
before the vampires attack, as well as the source pieces), are a few
digital pops obvious in "The Crypt of Carmilla" and less prominent
thereafter. These clicking sounds exist on both the CD and the lossless,
downloaded digital copy originally intended for use in this review.
Otherwise,
Lesbian Vampire Killers has all the makings of an
overachieving, underappreciated parody score that few people will ever
have the pleasure of hearing. Those who criticize Wiseman for adapting
genre stereotypes and potential temp-tracks are forgetting the
definition of a parody score. This one happens to be so juicy that takes
a lustful bite out of the best of the straight-laced competition of
2009.
***** @Amazon.com: CD or
Download
The insert includes notes from both the director and composer about the score,
but unfortunately no outward nudity.
